A simple entry on expressing and receiving that all-powerful big L

Pic courtesy of open.salon.com/blog/sandra_no_longer_miller

"All you need is love... love is all you need" -- The Beatles (in "All You Need is Love" (1967))

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken." -- C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves (1960)

Just the other day, about less than a week before CNY, I had a discussion with a friend regarding the Five Love Languages as proposed by Dr Gary Chapman in his bestselling book of the same title. Tucked away in a nice quiet little corner of a Starbucks close to home, the pair of us were engaged in this topic as she was keen to explore this subject a little further having heard someone presented on it not too long ago. I too had a student who recently commented on her blog about this topic as well. If I memory serves me well I believe Ps Chandran spoke on Love Languages as well during the Kington-Jessica matrimonial ceremony last year. It's nothing new, but to those of us who had learnt this in one way or another before, I am hoping that none of what we've went through decline to a state of neglect brought about by time.

According to the author of the book, there are five categories (or love languages) that we can demonstrate our fondness to those around us. Although the book was written in the context of husband and wife, I believe that everyone shows and receive love in very different ways. Sometimes we show our love, affection, and appreciation one way while we ideally like to receive them in other ways. Dr Chapman suggests that although we may display aptitude in multiple love languages and appreciate all of them, we primarily speak only one love language. However, I'm not too sure if these five are exhaustive and has covered every aspect and 'dialect' of speaking love. Maybe someday the author might add another one or two more (like how Stevie Covey added another habit to his existing Seven).

The five categories are:

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Receiving Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch

Words of Affirmation: Verbal appreciation speaks especially strongly to persons whose primary love is Words of Affirmation (WOA). Verbal compliments are one thing but another way one can communicate through WOA is by offering encouragement. Some examples are like reaffirming others that they had made the right decisions, acknowledging a person's perspective on a topic, or giving credit when progress/success has been achieved.

Quality Time: QT involves sharing experiences (including thoughts, feelings, etc) in a warm, friendly, uninterrupted context. It is about focus: the attention is wholly on the person whom you are spending time with. A person who speaks QT feels loved when they spend time doing activities together as the activity brings them closer. QT is not only about offering time to listen but, whenever necessary, offers advice and response to assure their friend/partner.

Receiving Gifts: Some respond well to visual symbols of love. A person who speaks this language are highly likely to treasure any (read: ANY) gift as an expression of love and devotion; they will feel that lack of gifts equals lack of love. Easiest love language to learn, according to Dr Chapman. It's easy for a natural spender to express this, but it is something that needs to be learned by those who are savers or investors that it is an investment into deepening relationships. He went on to say that the "gift of self" is an important symbol of love. By being physical present and going through the same experience, the person's being becomes a powerful symbol of love.

Acts of Service: Household chores (eg. ironing, cooking, cleaning, tidying up room) can be an expression of love as it require planning, time, effort, and energy. For this love language to become workable, these simple acts are to be done out of love and not obligation. A chore/task done out of guilt or fear is devoid of love and does not speak the language as well as it will if they were done out of kindness.

Physical Touch: For some reason, some (not all, thankfully) people seem to associate this love language only in the context of sexual intercourse. Yes, it does play a part in there somewhere, but it's not the only thing. Many mates feel most loved when they receive physical contact from their partner. Ok, let's talk about sex then. Yes, sexual intercourse can make many feel secure and loved. But consider this: many parts of the body are extremely sensitive... the key is discovering how your partner responds to these touches. Not only physically but psychologically as well. There are the intercourse, hugs, and of course there are also the smaller physical touch gestures like a pat on the back, or the hand on the shoulder. People who speak this language would much rather you hold them and be silent than to offer any advice. But then there are also the annoying, irritating and uncomfortable sort of physical touch (but you already know what they are like).

We discussed about what sort of language we use in showing love, and then, in how we would like to receive love. After nearly half an hour (or was it? I lost track of time a little here), we went on to talk more about love, and how much the word "love" has lost its significance and meaning in that simple, oft-used, four-letter English word.

Examples:

"I love you and wanna spend the rest of my life with you."

"You're my best-est friend and I love you."

"I so love watching Gossip Girl and Glee."

"No matter how much he hurts me, I still love him. He's my son!"

"I wanna spread love across the world by donating to Haiti".

"Let's make love."

"I'd love to go to Tahiti with you."

See how diluted that word has become?

Love can mean so many things at once, and nothing altogether if you were to consider the context of how the word is used in the variety of ways as demonstrated above.

In the Greek language, "love" is expressed in four different words -- storge, phileo, eros, and agape. As further explored by C.S. Lewis in his book, The Four Loves, he categorises the L word into: affection, friendship, erotic, and charity. Our discussion got to the point where we were exploring and exchanging our views on the concept of "unconditional love".

We discussed unconditional love.

We ended at unconditional love.

To love someone regardless of his/her actions or beliefs. It separates the person from what he or she does or has done.

You've seen this phrase earlier: "No matter how much he hurts me, I still love him. He's my son!"

That is unconditional love.

It doesn't keep record of wrongs. So no matter how much he has hurt the sender of that message, the sender will continually and unfailingly love him.

It's not what he has done or what he beliefs, but rather for who he is.

It's not in the doing, but in the being.

Everyone--young or old, rich or poor, healthy or sick, male or female, black, white, brown, yellow, red, green, or purple--has been and IS loved unconditionally.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, you can do could make Him love you more.

And nothing that you've done could make Him close that door.

L-O-V-E.

This is NOT a Valentine entry, but if it fits the occasion, then why not?

References:

Chapman, G. (2010). The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, Reprint Edition, Northfield Publishing

Lewis, C.S. (1971). The Four Loves, Harvest Books.